I have been trained!
A few weeks ago, my husband and I started an adapted version of the Ferber method, where rather than put my son down in the room and let him cry for a bit then check on him periodically, we would stay in the room, encourage him to sleep, pat his back and even sing to him until he did in fact fall asleep. Now we share this room with Aidan, but his bedtime is 8:30 pm where as we get to stay up till later (yay adulthood).
For the first few days, it was anguish. He fussed, fought and then after what seemed like an eternity, finally fell asleep. Now I feel like we’ve gone from one bad habit to another. Let me explain. Before the Ferber method, we would rock, walk or do whatever it took to put Aidan to sleep, including holding him while he slept and then trying to put him down gently (if he’d let us). Now instead of him being independent, he wants us to pat, sing and sit with him until he finally dains to go to sleep. I feel like we’ve regressed completely.
I can’t bear to hear him cry and fuss (although I know it’s more of a manipulation thing), but at the same time, sitting with him for 30 + minutes is not ok. We check on him and make sure he’s fed, safe, changed etc etc (using the checklist), but now I’m at a loss as to what it’s going to take to fix the problem.
This kid has enormous energy, even though I know he’s tired and exhibits the signs of fatigue. He can fuss for more than an hour until he finally gets exhausted enough to fall asleep.
I’m looking for tactics to undo what I’ve done wrong and truly train him on falling asleep independently. Nap-time is a whole ‘nother problem that I won’t even go into in this post!
Tags: adapted Ferber, ferber, fussing
July 7th, 2009 at 8:46 am
Hi Farrah
I completely understand your dilemma and if you’re not comfortable leaving Aidan to cry or fuss, the Ferber is definitely not for you. Plus if you’re sharing a room then the Ferber technique won’t work anyway so I think you’re right to take key principles from it and try to find an adapted version that works for you. There is understandably going to be some trial and error until you find what works best for him and for you but the most important thing that you want to aim for is consistency. You need to establish the same pattern of pre-bed routine (whatever this may be) and try and stick to it every night. Babies need routine and predictability to become good sleepers. From his point of view, he was used his parents patting him, sitting with him and singing to him while he fell asleep -it’s only natural that he’s going to want this to continue and kick up a fuss when he doesn’t get the usual attention before bed!
It will take time for the new routine to set but the transition will be much easier if he can predict what’s coming.
I’m looking forward to reading how you get on and I’m sure many parents who are in the same boat will find these posts extremely useful.
Good luck!
July 18th, 2009 at 9:06 pm
I am with you on this one- I can’t stand to let him cry without checking but I know something’s got to change as it’s not healthy for my partner to go on like this indefinitely.
July 18th, 2009 at 9:08 pm
**that should have been ‘my partner and I’ sorry. Hope that wasn’t a Freudian slip!